saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
