This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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