i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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