My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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