you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
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