No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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