He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
