So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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