My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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