You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
