i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm passing your future prison.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
