It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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