Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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