My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You made out with two different species that night
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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