I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
