I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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