Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
