Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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