I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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