I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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