...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
