Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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