I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I am available for nakedness
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
