Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize