So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
