Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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