my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
