Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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