Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
