She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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