Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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