it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
