So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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