It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
