We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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