Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
