she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize