After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
