Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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