He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Did I show you my penis last night?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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