just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
