I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
