Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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