omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
