she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
BRING THE BAGELS
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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