DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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