i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
