Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
