I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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