There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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