i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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