Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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