I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
