He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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