walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
