Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
